Titles Schmidles

Why does everything have to have a title?  I have a hard time trying to think about what to write here in the fucking box.  I've tried this over and over again and I really want to keep at it now.  I am on Twitter and find that easy enough to update.  Then again, that is only 140 characters or less.

There are so many things that are really great in my life right now.  On the other hand, there are so many things that I really fail to understand with people and more specifically myself.  I have an anxiety issue and I think that it has been and is really starting to deteriorate my relationship.  I've been talking to a therapist for a little over a year now and thought things were going really well.  I have my highs and lows, but lately it's been a lot of lows.  It has gotten to the point where I am fully aware of what I am doing when I fly off the handle, but I cannot control it.  I make myself really sad.  I always say to myself that it doesn't make any sense to act that way.  There is no benefit from it.

So here I am, at this point in time I just want to use this as an outlet for my frustrations.  It has already become blatantly clear that acting the way I do to drown out my sorrows does not work.  I drink too much, I get frustrated to much, I spend too much money.  These are all things that I have to work on and if I don't I am afraid they could have disastrous consequences.

My father is an alcoholic and I have learned that I am starting to follow in his footsteps.  We are at this point estranged and I don't ever expect that to change.  I should say that I do not want it to change.  I was let down way too many times by him and feel as though it is more beneficial to not involve myself with people who treat me that way.  There are so many correlations that I have made after speaking with my therapist about my father.  Many of my life situations that have often puzzled me: my attitude towards others, my awkwardness in social settings, my paramount belief of trust no one.  The list could go on and on.

I like to think the fact that I am gay is only such a small part of who I am.  However, there are situations I see everyday that make me hurt so much.  Seeing straight couples holding hands, kissing and being affectionate in public.  Yes, these are so trivial, but I wish I could do the same without people starting at me like I had 3 heads (well, I do, but that's a whole other story) My father and I have never really been close.  My parents divorced when I was just 10 years old.  After that, my father was on a perpetual run from my mother.  Unbeknowest to me, this was because of child support.  When I started to eventually put 2 and 2 together as I grew older, this turned my stomach.

I have learned quite a bit throughout the years.  I like to think of myself as a very mature 26 year old.  More to come...