I moved to Wordpress...

I decide to continue this over on Wordpress because it was easier for me to figure out how to make my own header. Check it out down there!


"You can't beat the experience"®

I wish I could be my own psychologist...

Yeah, lately the goings for me have been tough.  I don't know what the fuck is going on - I have been on this medication for over a year now and it seems to be doing weird things to me.  Could it be that I have been drinking like a fish while i've been on it?  Probably.  They put labels on medication bottles for a reason.  Could it be that I bottle up all my feelings only to reveal them after I get so worked up I explode at someone? Probably.  Could it be that I hate my job because I get so bored and have no challenge? Absolutely.

There are so many things, just small things, that drive me insane.  I have no idea how to control it.  I am currently seeing a Psychiatrist twice a month and I thought it was helping.  I don't know what else to do.  Sometimes I just want to curl up in bed and cry myself to sleep.  No one understands until they have dealt with it - it really sucks.

fuck that shit

At work I just want to open my mouth and scream at the top of my lungs - quite often.  I deal with some of the STUPIDEST people I have ever encountered.  It just gets frustrating when everyone around you takes so much but gives absolutely nothing in return.  Unfortunately, I have just grown accustomed to this attitude.  It really is a bad attitude to have because it just eats away at you.

A coworker recently brought me an excerpt from a book that she "accidently" forgot to return to a book club.  I give whoever wrote this book full credit for the excerpt I'm about to snatch.  Entitled "Boring jobs can kill you", the blurb states "Researchers found that workers in undemanding jobs, with little control over what they do, are 35 percent more likely to drop dead in a given ten-year period than workers in more challenging positions.  Why? It seems to be the loss of control over your life.  Having some control over the decisions in your life helps decrease stress and the natural surge of chemicals that comes with it."  Isn't that the fucking harsh reality.  I am slowly realizing that my job isn't slightly boring, but HELLISHLY boring.

I guess you've gotta play the cards your dealt

Things with my sister, who is a year and a half younger than I, have been rocky for quite a while.  I was never very close with her.  Recently she has been having some pretty severe problems with her life.  See, things started to get complicated when she was 20 and became pregnant.  Of course she was not married and her boyfriend was a scum bag that treated her like absolute shit.  My parents always said that she would be on her own with the child.  Things never actually happen that way.  When Natalie was born she was just the most beautiful thing.  Everyone's hearts just melted.  My sister ended up leaving her boyfriend after a month and moving in with my parents - probably the best move she could have made.

Things with my parents and my sister started to fall apart when she took advantage of their generosity.  She thought she could move out and live on her own, pay all her bills and take care of a child.  WRONG.  This is where we stand now, she is struggling to make ends meet and it has been snowballing as of late.  I chose to alienate myself from her and her problems, which may have not been the right decision.  People need support during hard times, but I didn't want to have her drag me down with her.  I spoke with her briefly yesterday and we decided we would meet for coffee tonight and talk about things.  I set a ground rule: no lying.  One thing I will not accept is being lied to.

I am approaching this whole thing with extreme caution.  Hopefully baby steps will start the healing process.  I'm excited.

Titles Schmidles

Why does everything have to have a title?  I have a hard time trying to think about what to write here in the fucking box.  I've tried this over and over again and I really want to keep at it now.  I am on Twitter and find that easy enough to update.  Then again, that is only 140 characters or less.

There are so many things that are really great in my life right now.  On the other hand, there are so many things that I really fail to understand with people and more specifically myself.  I have an anxiety issue and I think that it has been and is really starting to deteriorate my relationship.  I've been talking to a therapist for a little over a year now and thought things were going really well.  I have my highs and lows, but lately it's been a lot of lows.  It has gotten to the point where I am fully aware of what I am doing when I fly off the handle, but I cannot control it.  I make myself really sad.  I always say to myself that it doesn't make any sense to act that way.  There is no benefit from it.

So here I am, at this point in time I just want to use this as an outlet for my frustrations.  It has already become blatantly clear that acting the way I do to drown out my sorrows does not work.  I drink too much, I get frustrated to much, I spend too much money.  These are all things that I have to work on and if I don't I am afraid they could have disastrous consequences.

My father is an alcoholic and I have learned that I am starting to follow in his footsteps.  We are at this point estranged and I don't ever expect that to change.  I should say that I do not want it to change.  I was let down way too many times by him and feel as though it is more beneficial to not involve myself with people who treat me that way.  There are so many correlations that I have made after speaking with my therapist about my father.  Many of my life situations that have often puzzled me: my attitude towards others, my awkwardness in social settings, my paramount belief of trust no one.  The list could go on and on.

I like to think the fact that I am gay is only such a small part of who I am.  However, there are situations I see everyday that make me hurt so much.  Seeing straight couples holding hands, kissing and being affectionate in public.  Yes, these are so trivial, but I wish I could do the same without people starting at me like I had 3 heads (well, I do, but that's a whole other story) My father and I have never really been close.  My parents divorced when I was just 10 years old.  After that, my father was on a perpetual run from my mother.  Unbeknowest to me, this was because of child support.  When I started to eventually put 2 and 2 together as I grew older, this turned my stomach.

I have learned quite a bit throughout the years.  I like to think of myself as a very mature 26 year old.  More to come...

Blocked

My blog was locked for a bit, guess it looked like spam.  Not sure how often i'll update but i'm just giving this ANOTHER whirl.